- Father Ted: It's not as if everyone's going to go off and join some mad religious cult just because we go off for a picnic for a couple of hours.
- Father Dougal: God, Ted, I heard about those cults. Everyone dressing in black and saying our Lord's gonna come back and judge us all!
- Father Ted: No... No, Dougal, that's us. That's Catholicism.
- Father Dougal: Hello Len.
- Bishop Brennan: Don't call me Len, you little prick. I'm a bishop!
- Father Dougal: Oh right. Well done.
- [Ted answers the phone]
- Bishop Brennan: Crilly, It's me.
- Father Ted: Oh Feck!
- Bishop Brennan: What?
- Father Ted: [in French accent] Who ees thees? Zere is no Creely 'ere.
- [Ted hangs up]
- Father Ted: God almighty! I just said "feck" to Bishop Brennan!
- Father Dougal: Oho! He won't like that!
- Father Ted: It might be alright though. I disguised my voice so he'd think he dialled the wrong number.
- [phone rings, Ted picks it up]
- Father Ted: Ah, Bishop Brennan. I think you must have got the wrong number when you called there.
- [Dougal has named his pet rabbit Father Jack Hackett]
- Father Ted: No, Dougal, this is too confusing, you'll have to pick a new name.
- Father Dougal: Ah, could we not call Jack something else?
- Father Ted: Oh, great, what'll we call him? Flipper! Flipper the Priest!
- Father Jack Hackett: Yes?
- Mrs Doyle: There's always time for a nice cup of tea. Sure, didn't the Lord himself pause for a nice cup of tea before giving himself up for the world.
- Father Ted: No, he didn't, Mrs Doyle!
- Mrs Doyle: Well, whatever the equivalent they had for tea in those days, cake or something. And speaking of cake, I have cake!
- [holds up a cupcake]
- Father Ted: No, thanks, Mrs Doyle.
- Mrs Doyle: Are you sure, Father? There's cocaine in it!
- Father Ted: WHAT?
- Mrs Doyle: Oh, no, not cocaine. God, what am I on about. No, what d'you call them. Raisins.
- Father Ted: Fascists dress in black and go around telling people what to do, whereas priests... more drink!
- Father Ted: What was that sermon about?
- Father Dougal: Sorry Ted, I was concentrating too hard on looking holy.
- Father Ted: That's the great thing about Catholicism - it's very vague and no-one knows what its really all about.
- [Mrs. Doyle rolls Father Jack into the room on his wheelchair. Father Jack sees nuns in the room]
- Father Jack Hackett: Nuns! Nuns! Reverse!
- Tarot Reader: [Father Ted turns over a third "Death" card] This is really weird! There's only supposed to be one in each pack!
- [Tom has just robbed the local post office]
- Father Ted: Are you up to your old tricks, Tom?
- Tom: No, Father. It's my money. I just didn't want to fill out the forms.
- Father Ted: Now concentrate this time, Dougal. These
- [he points to some plastic cows on the table]
- Father Ted: are small, but those
- [pointing at some cows out of the window]
- Father Ted: are far away... Small, far away
- [Dougal shakes his head in confusion]
- Father Ted: Ah forget it...
- Father Ted: You won't be able to come with me... when I go into space. I'm going to be the first priest in space.
- Father Dougal: God Ted, first America then space, what next?
- Father Ted: That's right, Dougal. You see, ordinary shops sell what look like black socks, but if you look closely, you'll see that they're very, very, very, very, very, very, very dark blue.
- Father Dougal: That's true. I thought my Uncle Tommy was wearing black socks, but when I looked at them closely, they were just very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very dark blue.
- Father Ted: Never buy black socks from a normal shop.
- [Whispers to Dougal]
- Father Ted: They shaft you every time!
- [Dougal looks worried]
- Father Ted: How long has Father Jack been living in there?
- Father Dougal: Uh, he started just a few days after you left.
- Father Ted: Maybe he's agoraphobic?
- Father Dougal: Jack scared of fighting? I don't think so Ted.
- Father Ted: Come on, Dougal, switch the television off. Chewing gum for the eyes!
- Father Dougal: No thanks, Ted!
- Father Jack Hackett: [after Bishop Brennan asks how he is] Arsebiscuits!
- Father Niall Haverty: [shocked] How dare you say that to His Grace, you must apologize immediately!
- Father Jack Hackett: [Father Ted squirms, as Father Jack sits up and puts his hands on his front like a rabbit, and in a rabbit-like voice] I'm... so... sooo... sorry.
- [then nibbles like a rabbit]
- Father Ted: [to Mrs. Doyle] Now that's sarcasm.
- [Father Jack has sobered up and is remembering words. He sees Sister Assumpta]
- Father Jack Hackett: Nan!
- Father Ted: No, Father this is a nun.
- Father Jack Hackett: [Terrified] Nun!
- [Runs out the window]
- Father Ted: [Waves] Bye, Father!
- [to Assumpta]
- Father Ted: He's just out for his walk
- Father Ted: [in the department store] Where did you manage to stick Jack in the end?
- Father Dougal: Ah, they've got this great place, Ted where you can put people who don't want to go shopping. They can just stay there and have a laugh.
- Father Ted: Really? Never heard of that. Were there other people there?
- Father Dougal: Ah, loads of people, Ted. He'll be fine.
- [cut to Jack, in the creche, smoking a cigarette and surrounded by children playing]
- Father Ted: Meals are at eleven, one, half-two, three, five, seven, and nine, and if you want a quick snack, you can just ask Mrs. Doyle there.
- Mrs. Doyle's Friend: I swear I won't tell anyone, and if I do may I be struck down by every disease a middle-aged woman can get, which as you and I know is a hell of a lot of diseases.
- Bishop: [after a two-minute conversation with Dougal] It's all nonsense, isn't it?
- Henry Sellars: Ah, you Priests! Sanctimonious bastards! Made my life a misery!
- Father Dougal: Ahh, lets see, I'll have the Hindu Curry, Steak and Chips, and a glass of Coke thanks.
- Policeman: Do you know where you are? You're in a police station.
- Father Dougal: Oh right. Well, in that case, I'll just have the Satay Chicken
- [to his pet rabbit]
- Father Dougal: Come on, Sampras.
- Father Ted: What did you call him?
- Father Dougal: Sampras, like Pete Sampras.
- Father Ted: Why?
- Father Dougal: Well... you know, rabbits, tennis, you know that whole connection there.
- Father Dougal: I know! Well lure them into a giant bingo game!
- Father Ted: And how are we going to do that?
- Father Dougal: We'll print up some bingo cards on our printing press and... oh.
- Father Ted: Yes, it's the lack of a printing press that lets us down there. Or bingo balls. Or a PA system. Or in fact, any bingo paraphernalia at all.
- Father Dougal: Damn. So near, yet so far.
- Father Ted: It's fabulous being a priest - think of all that comfort you bring to the sick and dying. They love it, they can't get enough of it!
- Father Ted: No, no, no, no. Father Nolan was in the gas explosion. It punched a hole in his chest the size of a football. When they found him afterwards, they were only able to identify him by his dental records.
- Father Dougal: Poor Father Nolan!
- Father Ted: Yes, he's very low at the moment.
- Father Dougal: Knock-knock, Ted.
- Father Ted: Who's there?
- Father Dougal: Father Dougal McGuire.
- Father Ted: Good night, Dougal.
- Father Dougal: Ah, what are you after, Ted?
- Father Ted: I'm not after anything. It's not unknown for Priests to pray once in a while.
- Grieving Priest: He could have been Pope, Ted! But the fecking Jesuits have got it all tied up!
- Grieving Priest: [Father Jack's wake. Shakes his fist at the sky] You bastard! Why do you always take the good ones?