- Rosie O'Grady: [Both are laughing] Why, I... I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
- [She laughs again and so does he]
- Professor Echo, aka Mrs. 'Grandma' O'Grady: Well, why - why not do a little of both? You know the old gag. That's all there is to life. A little laughter... a little tear.
- Jeweller: [Referring to one of the rubies] If that little rascal had swallowed it, we would have never recovered it.
- Professor Echo, aka Mrs. 'Grandma' O'Grady: Oh, I would have recovered it all right.
- Arlington: [to the jeweler] She means an emetic.
- Jeweller: [They both laugh] What a sense of humor!
- Sideshow Barker: Ladies and gentlemen, gather around this platform and right this way please. This way for the next demonstration. Introducing Tweedle Dee - the smallest adult human creature. Tweedle Dee: 20 pounds, 20 inches, 20 years, the 20th century curiosity.
- Professor Echo, aka Mrs. 'Grandma' O'Grady: Now listen, you come in with me on this and I'll make you rich - plenty rich. Now, you see, my plan is so simple; so, Midget, that it scares ya.
- Hercules: Well, I don't know. Are you sure?
- Professor Echo, aka Mrs. 'Grandma' O'Grady: Sure! From tonight on we disappear. They'll look for the Midget, but there won't be no Midget. They'll find the fingerprints of the Echo, they'll be no Echo.
- Hercules: It sounds kinda creepy.
- Midget: I like it. It's unholy!
- Professor Echo, aka Mrs. 'Grandma' O'Grady: That's us! The Unholy Three.
- Hector: Say, it's a lot of fun Christmas shopping, isn't it?
- Rosie O'Grady: Yes. It's wonderful what you can get in a 5 and 10.
- Hector: Oh, I know one young couple that furnished their whole apartment there. They have two children now.
- Rosie O'Grady: Well, you can't get them at the 5 and 10!
- [first lines]
- Sideshow Barker: This is just a little sample of what you will see on the inside. The beginning of the religious dance of the muscleman. This is the dance that broke the sultan's thermometer! Just a moment there, the big sensations for the inside. Remember I said, the big sensation on the inside. The admission is a dime, ten cents or ten part of a dollar.
- Professor Echo, aka Mrs. 'Grandma' O'Grady: You lay off of that guy. Or, how would you like a sock in the nose? !
- Rosie O'Grady: Oh, cut it out! Nobody's gonna beat me up!
- Rosie O'Grady: You know, Hector, I never thought I'd get a kick out of this Christmas bunk, but I do!
- Hector: Ah, it's the greatest thing in the world.
- Professor Echo, aka Mrs. 'Grandma' O'Grady: [to the sideshow crowd] Well, friends, that's all there is to life - just a little laugh... a little tear.
- Hector: Oh, Rosie...
- Rosie O'Grady: What?
- Hector: Well, I - I was just gonna say it's wonderful the way your grandmother can make those birds talk.
- Rosie O'Grady: Hector, she could make Coolidge talk.
- Professor Echo, aka Mrs. 'Grandma' O'Grady: You're gonna do that once too often and he'll tear you to pieces!
- Hercules: Ah! You mean I'll tear him to pieces.
- Professor Echo, aka Mrs. 'Grandma' O'Grady: Yeah, you and the Swiss Navy, you dumb cluck!
- Professor Echo, aka Mrs. 'Grandma' O'Grady: All right, bring the boob in with his Christmas tree. And remember, I'll be in the next room.
- Rosie O'Grady: For crying out west!
- Hercules: I'm sick of it!
- Professor Echo, aka Mrs. 'Grandma' O'Grady: Yes and you're going to be a whole lot sicker if I don't do some fast thinkin'!
- Hercules: I don't want to think about it. I want you to go out and leave me alone!
- Professor Echo, aka Mrs. 'Grandma' O'Grady: Yes, If I left you alone you'd fry! The both you you'd fry!
- Hector: It would be wonderful to be with you any night, eh, every night, eh, that is, eh, every evening.
- Rosie O'Grady: Hector, you're gettin' very bold.
- Hector: Well, I don't mean to be bold, but, ah Rosie, there's no use beating around the bush. You know how I feel.