Kolchak: The Night Stalker (1974–1975)
Darren McGavin: Carl Kolchak
Photos
Quotes
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Carl Kolchak : If you want a job done right, you just have to foul it up yourself.
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Carl Kolchak : [voiceover] Buck Finemann, seventy two years old. Cantankerous old geezer. No-one liked him much, but they allowed him to play poker with them once a week because he was a terrible card player and had been known to lose as much as seventy five cents in a single evening.
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Carl Kolchak : Son, I've seen more dead bodies than you've had TV dinners.
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Carl Kolchak : Captain Leo Winwood and I had a relationship that was long and bloody, like the Crusades, only without the chivalry.
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Carl Kolchak : I promised I'd show up with a haircut, a new hat, and pressed suit... but I lie a lot.
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[Asked why he's going to visit a ritzy interior decorator]
Carl Kolchak : We're thinking of brightening up the office.
[Pointing at Updyke, then at Vincenzo]
Carl Kolchak : You are going to be replaced by Boston fern and you a snapdragon!
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Carl Kolchak : [about Updyke] He's persona non grata down the library.
Tony Vincenzo : He's what?
Carl Kolchak : Yeah, yeah. You see, he, he takes books out. He's got half the books in the library out and they're all over due. As a matter of fact, they've got a warrant out for his arrest.
Tony Vincenzo : Well, that's not like Ron.
Carl Kolchak : Oh, I know. I know. I was terribly disturbed about it when I heard it. I don't know, it must be some kind of er, deep-seated illness, a compulsion of sorts, a Biblio... philiac.
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Tony Vincenzo : Your angle on the hospital dedication, Karl. How did you come up with it?
Carl Kolchak : Oh, a little research and, er, imagination.
Tony Vincenzo : Some angle. Two pages condemning the lack of geriatric facilities.
[pointing to Emily]
Tony Vincenzo : What did you promise her this time, orthopedic glitter boots?
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Carl Kolchak : [about Updyke] He got a raise?
Emily Cowles : Not that I'm aware of.
Carl Kolchak : He was promoted?
[Emily shakes head]
Carl Kolchak : Then why's he so happy?
Emily Cowles : You're in trouble.
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Carl Kolchak : You must really enjoy your work.
Nurse Eisen : A well-done autopsy is a joy forever.
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[Told that a dead panda at the zoo died from a heart attack]
Carl Kolchak : A raccoon, with a heart attack... maybe you fed it too much cholesterol.
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Coach Toomey : Actually, Burdett never made the team.
Carl Kolchak : No?
Coach Toomey : You see, his butterfly stroke was like an effeminate moth.