Grumpier Old Men (1995)
Jack Lemmon: John Gustafson
Photos
Quotes
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Grandpa Gustafson : What the... what the hell is this?
John Gustafson : That's lite beer.
Grandpa Gustafson : Gee, I weigh ninety goddamn pounds, and you bring me this sloppin' foam?
John Gustafson : Ariel's got me on a diet because the doc said my cholestorol's a little too high.
Grandpa Gustafson : Well, let me tell you something now, Johnny. Last Thursday, I turned 95 years old. And I never exercised a day in my life. Every morning, I wake up and I smoke a cigarette. And then I eat five strips of bacon. And for lunch, I eat a bacon sandwich. And for a midday snack?
John Gustafson : Bacon.
Grandpa Gustafson : Bacon! A whole damn plate! And I usually drink my dinner. Now, according to all of them flat-belly experts, I should've took a dirt nap like thirty years ago. But each year comes and goes, and I'm still here. Ha! And they keep dyin'. You know? Sometimes I wonder if God forgot about me. Just goes to show you, huh?
John Gustafson : What?
Grandpa Gustafson : Huh?
John Gustafson : Goes to show you what?
Grandpa Gustafson : Well, it just goes... what the hell are you talkin' about?
John Gustafson : Well, you said you drink beer, you eat bacon, and you smoke cigarettes, and you outlive most of the experts.
Grandpa Gustafson : Yeah?
John Gustafson : I thought maybe there's a moral.
Grandpa Gustafson : No, there ain't no moral. I just like that story. That's all. I like that story.
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John Gustafson : Hey, Pop. Well, I've really done it this time. I've really screwed it up. Jake and Melanie have called off the marriage, Jake's moved in with Max, Max and I are at it again, and on top of that, Ariel's moved back into her house with Melanie. Now what am I gonna do about all of that, huh? Pop? Pop?
[the elder Gustafson is slumped forward in his seat; John gently checks his pulse and realizes he has passed away]
John Gustafson : [tearfully] Looks like God remembered you, Pop.
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John Gustafson : Here, drop anchor.
Max Goldman : You cut the anchor, you dumbass.
John Gustafson : All right, then grab the net!
Max Goldman : You cut that too, you dickhead!
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[after Ariel kicks John out, and Max won't let him spend the night]
John Gustafson : I'm cold.
Max Goldman : [hands him some matches] Here's some matches. Set yourself on fire.
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John Gustafson : Pop, I really wish you'd try the low fat bacon.
Grandpa Gustafson : Well, you can wish in one hand and crap in the other and see which gets filled first!
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John Gustafson : This milk has chunks in it.
Max Goldman : What's your point?
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[after finally catching Catfish Hunter]
Max Goldman : If I die today, I die a happy man.
John Gustafson : You die today, I'm taking your motor.
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Max Goldman : I knew your old man longer than I knew my own.
John Gustafson : He was always very fond of you, Max.
Max Goldman : He was a good man.
John Gustafson : The best.
Max Goldman : [beat] You know I didn't mean what I said about Melanie the other day.
John Gustafson : Yeah. And you know how I really feel about Jacob.
Max Goldman : He's a good boy.
John Gustafson : Yeah.
Max Goldman : I just don't want him to be lonely. He deserves better.
John Gustafson : He deserves Melanie.
[pause]
Max Goldman : So what do you wanna do now?
John Gustafson : Wanna get drunk?
Max Goldman : Yeah.
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Max Goldman : You couldn't catch crabs from a $10 hooker.
John Gustafson : How is your sister, by the way?
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Max Goldman : I am the gangster of love
John Gustafson : Gangster, huh? So tell me, was it more of a hold up than a stick up?
Max Goldman : Even your infantile penis jokes seem funny and witty this morning.
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John Gustafson : I am going down and apologizing to Maria.
Max Goldman : You traitor, you Benedict Arnold.
John Gustafson : Yeah, yeah.
Max Goldman : Finally. I didn't think he would last that long.
[Grabs milk and smells it]
Max Goldman : Smells alright to me.
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John Gustafson : You won't even know I'm here.
Max Goldman : That's because you won't be here.
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Grandpa Gustafson : It's okay, I'm a doctor.
John Gustafson : Oh, sounds like Dad's using his free exam trick again.
Max Goldman : Well, you gotta stick with what works.
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John Gustafson : [Bloopers] Dear! Uh, what... what the hell is her name?
Max Goldman : Ariel?
John Gustafson : Ariel! She left me.
Max Goldman : You surprised? You don't even know her name.
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Maria Sophia Coletta Ragetti : [to Ariel] Do you think I had sex with your husband?
Max Goldman : Well, you sure weren't having sex with me.
Maria Sophia Coletta Ragetti : Why should I have sex with you? You just said you hated me!
Max Goldman : [pointing to John] He said I hated you! I never said I hated you! Actually, I've grown quite fond of you!
Maria Sophia Coletta Ragetti : So now I'm supposed to have sex with *you* instead of him!
Ariel Gustafson : Ah-ha! So you admit you slept with my husband! Huh! Huh!
John Gustafson : Nobody slept with anybody last night!
Maria Sophia Coletta Ragetti : Ah, finalmente.
Grandpa Gustafson : Speak for yourself!
[walks out with Mama Ragetti]
Maria Sophia Coletta Ragetti : Mama?
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Max Goldman : Asa-moo-nu-coo-coo-lu-lu.
John Gustafson : I think I liked you better before you were gettin' any.
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Ariel Gustafson : Honey, would you stop worrying? Max is going to be just fine.
John Gustafson : I hope so... I may have given him some bad advice earlier.
Ariel Gustafson : What'd you say?
John Gustafson : I told him... I told him to just be himself.
Ariel Gustafson : You said WHAT?
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Max Goldman : There's a rumor going around that Rick Ragetti's cousin's come down from St. Paul to buy Chuck's Bait.
John Gustafson : An Italian running Chuck's, huh?
Max Goldman : Yeah, we'll have the first mob-run bait shop in Wabasha.
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Max Goldman : Then, it's off!
John Gustafson : Yes, it's off. Everything is off! The wedding is off and the friendship is off! And the gloves - are off.
Max Goldman : Let the games begin.
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John Gustafson : Hey, moron.
Max Goldman : Putz.
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John Gustafson : And don't forget, now, compliment her on how great she looks.
Max Goldman : Okay. I already got that covered.
John Gustafson : Let me hear it.
Max Goldman : Maria, there may be lots of fish in the sea, but you're the only one I would like to mount over my fireplace.
John Gustafson : That's not - bad.
Max Goldman : You noticed the sexual innuendo?
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John Gustafson : I got better things to do than dick around with you all day.