- Marge Simpson: The way I see it, if you raise three children who can knock out and hog-tie a perfect stranger, you must be doing something right.
- Homer Simpson: They all look so tasty, but I think I'll eat that one right there.
- Maitre D': Why don't you pick one that's a little more frisky, sir?
- Homer Simpson: Why?
- Maitre D': Well, when you choose one that's floating upside down, it somewhat defeats the purpose of selecting a live lobster.
- Rubber Baby Buggy Bumper Babysitting Service Receptionist: Rubber Baby Buggy Bumper Babysitting Service.
- Homer Simpson: Hello, this is Mr. Sampson.
- Rubber Baby Buggy Bumper Babysitting Service Receptionist: Did your wife just call a second ago?
- Homer Simpson: No, I said "Sampson", not "Simpson."
- Rubber Baby Buggy Bumper Babysitting Service Receptionist: Thank God! Those Simpsons! What a bunch of savages! Especially that big ape father.
- Homer Simpson: D'oh!
- [irritated]
- Homer Simpson: Actually, the Simpsons are neighbors of ours, and we've found them to be a quite misunderstood and underrated family.
- Homer Simpson: Good Lord! What have those little hellions done now? We're so sorry, we're so sorry.
- Ms. Botz: ...please turn off the TV...
- Moe: Moe's Tavern.
- Bart Simpson: Is Oliver there?
- Moe: Who?
- Bart Simpson: Oliver Clothesoff.
- Moe: Hold on, I'll check. Oliver Clothesoff! Call for Oliver Clothesoff.
- Ms. Botz: Come, children, let's go watch "The Happy Little Elves".
- Bart Simpson: Look, lady. We've seen the Crappy Little Elves about fourteen billion times. Maybe we can watch some real TV.
- Ms. Botz: I said we're gonna watch the tape.
- Bart Simpson: Ugh, that's merely suggested viewing matter, lady; mom let's us watch what ever the hell we want.
- Ms. Botz: I said: You're gonna watch this tape. And you're gonna do what I say or I'm gonna do something to you. And I don't know what that is because everybody has always done what I say!
- Homer Simpson: You know, one day you'll learn to move like your old man.
- [to Bart, after he comes dancing into the bathroom]
- Bart: Not if I can help it.
- Dr. Marvin Monroe: Tell me about your husband, Marge.
- Marge Simpson: Well, when we were dating, he was sweeter and more romantic and forty pounds thinner and he had hair... and he ate with utensils!
- [begins sobbing]