DC's Legends of Tomorrow (TV Series)

Wet Hot American Bummer (2018)

Matt Ryan: John Constantine

Photos 

Quotes 

• John Constantine : So, any idea of what kind of foul beast we're up against, then?

  Ava Sharpe : Well, based on

  [knowing look to Sara] 

  Ava Sharpe : research Sara and I have been doing, we could be looking for a swampy monster thing.

  Sara Lance : According to the timeline, before the end of summer, several kids went missing, never to be seen again.

  John Constantine : Well, I happen to know a swamp thing. But then again, Maine is way too far north for that muppet.

• Ray Palmer : You know, there are other dabblers in the Dark Arts out there who think that I'm all right.

  John Constantine : What, referring to Nora Darhk, are we? You best stay away from that witch, mate. Not even your big heart can keep you safe from someone who's wrestled with literal demons.

  Ray Palmer : What about you? You're one of us now. You even dressed up, for a little while. You've wrestled with demons and you're good...

  John Constantine : Listen to me, all right? You know... I had a friend like you. Someone good, someone... who trusted me. Be smarter than him, all right? Save yourself, Ray Palmer. Because people like me and Nora Darhk, we're bloody hell for people like you.

• John Constantine : Ooh, Director Sharpe. Joining us, are we?

  Ava Sharpe : Is that a problem?

  John Constantine : Not for me, love.

• Sara Lance : We are headed back to the '90s to infiltrate a place called Camp Ogawa.

  John Constantine : Oh, sneaking into a military facility, are we?

  Sara Lance : Actually, it's a summer camp for kids.

  Ray Palmer : Oh, I loved summer camp. Everyone used to call me Kid Counselor.

  John Constantine : Bet you took that as a compliment, too, didn't you, mate?

• John Constantine : They may take my coat, but you will never take my...

  Sara Lance : [taking the cigarette out of his mouth]  Nope. And lose the tie.

  John Constantine : Oh, you have got to be kidding me.

  [seeing her look] 

  John Constantine : Fine. One time, but it's only for the kids.

• Ray Palmer : Beautiful morning.

  John Constantine : Yeah, sorry to burst your summer-loving bubble, mate, but we're missing one of our young charges. His name is Zack or something.

  Ray Palmer : [sniffing]  Well, are you sure you counted right? Because based on your whiskey cologne, I think you're still drunk.

  Sara Lance : [joining them]  No, he's right.

  Ava Sharpe : Yeah, a girl is missing from our cabin, too, even after I put the fear of God in them.

• John Constantine : So, how many girls has the missus made cry so far, or have you lost count?

  Sara Lance : Ava's interrogation techniques aren't going to work on them. They'd rather take their secrets to the grave than squeal. Anything with the boys?

  John Constantine : Oh, those boys aren't hiding a thing. They're open books, if those books were written by hapless fools, that is.

• Ray Palmer : How are we going to find the kids with that dangly thing?

  John Constantine : You know, this ritual usually works best when someone isn't yammering in my ear hole.

• Camper Sarah : Hey, it's me, Sara. You guys still out there?

  John Constantine : Sara? Potion actually worked?

  Camper Sarah : You didn't know if it was going to work before you gave us the potion?

  John Constantine : Well, of course I didn't. I've never tested it on humans, have I?

• Ray Palmer : If you want to find the kids, we got to do it the old-fashioned way. Study their tracks. It's a good thing I came prepared, because one step in the wrong direction here, and you'll be traveling for miles in the wrong...

  John Constantine : Damn it, you nandy pandy, I said I need silence.

  Ray Palmer : Oh, you meant right now. I'm sorry, I thought you meant...

  [Constantine grabs and throws his compass away] 

  Ray Palmer : Why are you being such a jerk?

  John Constantine : Because you shouldn't even be out here chasing a magical creature, all right? It's too dangerous.

  Ray Palmer : Too dangerous? You're lucky you're out here with me, because I can keep us alive on bugs and berries alone.

• John Constantine : You know, this has nothing to do with survival in the wild and everything to do with surviving magical creatures and those who dabble in the dark arts.

  Ray Palmer : I'll have you know I am no stranger to the world of magic.

  John Constantine : Yeah. Oh, don't think I haven't heard how Nora Darhk had you eating out of the palm of her wicked little hand. Oh, I bet she didn't even have to ask for the time stone, did she? No, you just gave it away like biscuits at tea time.

  Ray Palmer : Nora and I have a mutual respect for each other. It's not like I was tripping over myself...

  [he trips on something] 

• Gideon : Mr. Constantine's body is rejecting my treatments. His odds of survival are bleak.

  Ray Palmer : John, what you did out there was pretty selfless. I told you you were good.

  [taking the cigarette out of his mouth] 

  Ray Palmer : That's not good for you.

  Sara Lance : Get some rest, John. Gideon, give him the good stuff.

  John Constantine : [as he's drugged up]  Oh, Gideon. That's nice, love. We should party...