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The Sea Beast (2022)
How to Train Your Dragon but without the personality
People hunt monsters. Monsters fight back. One young person realises the monsters aren't so bad. Befriends one of the monsters. Etc. Etc.
Sound familiar?
The lack of originality isn't the biggest problem, though. More of an issue is the fact The Sea Beast is overly long and bloated. There are some good moments, but by the credits rolled, I was glad it was over.
Eternals (2021)
So very, very boring
There have been complaints about the "wokeness" in this film, and although not entirely unfounded, that is not the biggest issue is has. Instead, the unrelentingly dull script and direction, which alternates between boring, angsty twaddle in the present day and boring, angsty twaddle in the past.
There's almost no humour or light-heartedness, and the main protagonist has all the pizzazz of a wet fish.
Turning Red (2022)
Teen Wolf with an annoying little girl as the main character
I don't think Pixar has ever really made a bad film, and Turning Red is by no means a failure. It is beautifully animated, and it's good to get an insight, albeit fictional, into the culture of a different community.
This isn't a Disney film, so the fact it tackles issues such as menstruation, although a little jarring, isn't actually that surprising.
Unfortunately, the plot feels extremely derivative, essentially being a spin on the 80s coming-of-age film Teen Wolf. The jokes also tend to fall flat, and the main character and all her friends are really quite annoying.
However - and I think this is important - that's part of its authenticity. Teenagers often are annoying. Their jokes really are lame. And they do tend to make terrible decisions.
Turning Red isn't one of Pixar's best - not by a long shot. But it is an interesting one, simultaneously treading new ground while also being oddly unimaginative.
If I'd paid to watch it at the cinema, I would have been disappointed. But as a Disney+ film, included with the subscription, I don't feel like I wasted my time.
Brightburn (2019)
Doesn't quite achieve what it sets out to do
The central concept of Brightburn is great, and as the tension begins to ramp up, it's an enjoyable enough yarn. But it all falls down in the third act. There are no real surprises or twists, just a bunch of unanswered questions, which remain as the credits roll after a wholly unsatisfying ending.
For all its plus points, Brightburn left me feeling disappointed and wanting more.
Iron Fist (2017)
Stop being offended on my behalf
Cultural appropriation: a phrase that is never too far from a press review of Iron Fist. It's also what I'm focusing on here, rather than the questions about this show's pacing and editing (for the record, I think it's great).
Should a white man be playing the Iron Fist? That's the big question on the lips of many a film critic. And the answer, in my humble opinion, is 'Sure, why not?' After all, the character was white in the first place.
Is that 'cultural appropriation'? I guess so. But what's it's not is a problem, and I say that as a person of East Asian descent. There is simply nothing wrong with white people doing kung-fu, just as there's nothing wrong with a white person rapping or, indeed, a Chinese person wearing a baseball cap, while eating a Big Mac and singing Sweet Home Alabama.
Yet critics are making out that Iron Fist is like some kind of throwback to Yellow Peril characters like Fu Manchu, but it's nothing of the sort. There's a simple reason why that was offensive and why Iron Fist isn't.
Iron Fist features a white man playing a white man, whereas Fu Manchu was a Chinese man played by a white man, complete with 'slitty eye' makeup.
In spite of this obvious truth, a lot of people suggest that an Asian person would have been better suited to the role. Why? Another chop-socky Chinaman is not what the Asian community needs in terms of media representation. We need more Asian people just being people. An example that springs to mind is Glenn in The Walking Dead. He's great because he's just a regular guy, who also happens to be Asian.
But the critics continue to pile on the criticism when it comes to Iron Fist. I wonder, though, how many of those same critics heaped praise on Kill Bill, which is far more guilty of borrowing from East Asian culture than Iron Fist.
Call Iron Fist what you like. Say it's badly written or boring. That's fine. I disagree, but each to their own. Just stop getting offended about something that's not offensive - and if you aren't Asian, perhaps stop and think about what Asians actually care about.
Ghostbusters (2016)
Starts off okay. Gets worse.
First and foremost, this film is a failure. It's a blockbuster movie that made a loss, and there's no denying that, whether you liked it or not. And it was always likely to be a failure. Many of the largely male fanbase of the original films weren't going to be happy with an all-female cast, and women weren't crying out for a Ghostbusters movie aimed at them.
But being a failure doesn't mean it's a bad movie. What makes it a bad movie is the poor script, the unfunny jokes and the bad direction.
As it happens, I enjoyed the performances of most of the main cast members. Kristen Wiig is dependable, as ever; Melissa McCarthy is entertaining, if you like her style of acting (which I do); and Leslie Jones, although worryingly stereotypical, is fine. Kate McKinnon, however, playing the 'wacky' genius Jillian Holtzmann, goes from uninteresting to irritating as the film goes on.
But this could be forgiven if the film was funnier and better written. Instead, it has a few good moments, some pleasing cameos and that's it. The rest of the time is filled with childish jokes and crap CGI.
In its defence, my eight-year-old daughter enjoyed Ghostbusters, and it's good that the movie portrays independent women saving the day. It's just a shame they're doing it in such a highly forgettable and disappointing movie.
Defiance (2013)
Genuinely one of the best sci-fi shows of its generation
It's amazing how many of the people who rated Defiance badly never got beyond the first episode.
Defiance, like many shows, is one that rewards perseverance. Judging it based purely on one episode is ridiculous, because the story needs time to develop.
Also, complaints about lack of backstory are unfounded. There is plenty of allusion to the past in the dialogue, but clearly some people can't pick up such subtle hints and would prefer a more on-the-nose flashback sequence (something for which other shows are criticised, so you can't please everyone).
Obviously, Defiance isn't perfect, and it's not for everyone, but if you do choose to give it a go, I'd recommend watching at least four episodes before deciding you don't like it.
Your Highness (2011)
A huge disappointment
I'm a big fan of Danny McBride, and I've enjoyed his performances in many films and particularly in Eastbound And Down. Yes, he does tend to shout and swear a lot, but that's not what makes him funny. Kenny Powers is funny because he's completely deluded and the situations he finds himself in, while not necessarily immediately familiar, do at least relate to some of the self-doubt and loss of influence that many of us feel at some time in our lives.
Sadly, none of this is true of Thadeous, his character in Your Highness. It's true he shares the same kind of childish, self-centred delusions, but there's nothing you can identify with. He lives in a fantasy world of swords and magic, but swears like a New York cab driver - with an English accent. That, apparently, is supposed to be funny.
It's not. Which is a bit of problem, because it's pretty much the only joke in the whole film, repeated over and over again. At least it was up until about half way through, when I gave up and switched it off. The only other time I've done that was when trying to watch The Spirit.
In spite of not finishing the film, however, I'm confident I missed nothing good. Your Highness is simply awful, and fails on every level. The only link I can see to the genius of Kenny Powers is that this movie is like the kind of thing he'd probably come up with.
À bout de souffle (1960)
One for pretentious, bearding-rubbing students
A bout de soufflé is not a good film, no matter what people might tell you. If it was, people would still be making movies like this that don't make any sense, and everyone would love them. The whole point, though, of French New Wave was that it was breaking the rules, and thus was more of an experiment than an attempt to make proper movies. Undoubtedly, some of the techniques and styles have had a lasting influence on modern cinema, so it's certainly fair to regard A bout de soufflé as an important piece of work.
However, many people will swear that they were thoroughly entertained by it, and will name it as one of their favourite films of all time. Those people are usually hideously pretentious, and if you disagree with them, you'll be told, or at least made to feel, that you are somehow intellectually deficient, and therefore unable to understand a work of such substance. The truth is, you're just perfectly sane, and know a turd when you see one.
Hancock (2008)
A waste of talent, and ultimately a waste of time
After watching Hancock, I can't help thinking the producers must have commissioned a hundred different versions of the script and picked one out of a hat. It's a great concept, but is let down by a poor screenplay.
In all fairness, it starts off great, with well-paced and executed action and comedy. Will Smith is predictably brilliant in his role as the eponymous drunk super hero, while Jason Bateman provides capable support.
When the movie takes a more sombre turn, and we begin to look into the reasons for Hancock's alcoholism, things are still going strong. It's a change of pace, sure, but it's well acted and adds depth to the character.
Where things start to go drastically wrong can be pinpointed to one exact moment: when Charlize Theron throws Smith through a wall. How the script writers, producers and the director thought this would be good place to take the movie is a complete mystery. Hancock could have been brilliant if it weren't for the decision to grant this character with super powers, and the extremely weak explanation of them that follows. As for the so-called 'happy ending' it doesn't seem to take into account that the wife is immortal. What's going to happen in 20 years? Is she going to start knocking off the son? When the film starts, it's a nine out of ten, then it drops to a six. By the time it gets to the final act, it's barely scraping a two. This is probably the biggest missed opportunity of recent cinematic history, and I feel sorry for the cast and the director, who do their best to make Hancock into something worthwhile. However, in the end, you really can't polish a pooh.
Diary of a Mad Black Woman (2005)
I'm so confused, but not as much as this film
My wife had this on, while I was surfing the web, so I wasn't really watching it. However, I couldn't help but listen. It was so bad, it was enthralling. The dialogue is terrible, particularly during the overblown romantic scenes, which simply define the word 'trite', and the direction appears to have been done by a lobotomised ferret. One moment it's big romantic themes, complete with dreary, emotive music, and the next it's ineptly executed slapstick comedy, with some bloke doing a bad Eddie Murphy and dressing up as an old lady, and her brother. Hilarious. Frankly, it wasn't funny when Murphy did it either. Whoever this guy is, he's extremely lacking in the talent department, and would be better off quitting while he's not ahead.
In a nutshell, this movie is unfunny, badly written and deeply, deeply confused. It does comedy, it does romance, it does melodrama, but it does them all badly. All those associated with this film should be banned from their respective industries for at least a decade, so they can learn the error of their ways.
The Prestige (2006)
One rabbit short of a hat trick
I think most of the reviews here cover the finer points of this film. Yes, it's a terrific story, with a fantastic cast, with Christian Bale once again giving a flawless performance. Yes, the direction is superb, and further confirms Christopher Nolan as a master of his art. Yes, it's a great film, and well worth a couple of hours of anyone's time.
However, two things bugged me about it, which I feel compelled to warn others about. The first problem was Scarlett Johansson. I don't particularly rate her as an actress anyway, but here she's really bad. How other people can suggest she gives a solid performance must surely mean 'solid' as in 'stiff' (as in 'wooden'). Yes, she's pretty, but she's also pretty unconvincing and her English accent, while an admirable attempt, still falls some way short.
The other thing that threatened to spoil my enjoyment of The Prestige was the utterly bizarre decision to cast David Bowie as Nicolas Tesla. At the best of times, he's a mediocre actor. On a positive note, this was one of those times, so he was at the top of his game, in a sense. Sadly, when he's on form, he's still crap, and his accent was nothing short of hilarious. I'm not sure what it was meant to be, but it sounded like the voice Ricky Gervais does at the start of his 'Animals' show - a kind of weird French, German, via North London affair.
There was one other thing that bothered me, which is the stuff about Hugh Jackman's 'machine'. It's totally ridiculous and doesn't fit with the tone of the film at all. I won't say any more than that, as I don't want to add any spoilers.
In spite of these issues though, the rest of The Prestige is so good it's easily worth eight out of ten.
Be Kind Rewind (2008)
An interesting mess, but a mess nonetheless
The basic idea behind Be Kind Rewind is a decent one: two guys trying to recreate a library of Hollywood movies, using their own VHS camcorder and home-made props. Sadly, the reasoning behind it is so ludicrous that it does a great deal of damage to the movie as a whole. We're supposed to believe that Jack Black's character is magnetised as a result of a massive electric shock. He even urinates magnetic wee. This kind of conceit belongs in a kid's movie.
In terms of the performances, it's not bad. Black is as dependable as ever, and Mos Def once again shows that he's capable of holding his own alongside more experienced actors, such as his co-star, Danny Glover, who himself does a pretty good job. The rest of the cast vary in quality. Some of the extras deliver their lines as if their reading them for the first time.
Finally, Be Kind Rewind has one of the worst endings I've ever seen. It's just so saccharine that it makes you want to puke.
All in all, I give it five stars for the performances, but have to mark it down for the terrible script.
Juno (2007)
Overrated but enjoyable anyway
Taking a different tone entirely to the other recent accidental pregnancy movie Knocked Up, Juno comes from the viewpoint of a 16-year-old girl. It's a comedy, but is played with the thoughtfulness that such a subject matter probably deserves. The cast is excellent, and the script is generally well-paced. Also, Rietman's direction is near faultless.
Sadly, the film is let down somewhat by possibly the most annoying protagonist in the history of cinema. Ellen Page is clearly a capable actress, but Juno is a ridiculous caricature of a world- weary teenager, full of pessimism and 'witty' one-liners, but with no particular redeeming qualities. Even by the end of the film, when you're supposed to sympathise with her, I still felt like she deserved a punch in the face.
Of course, if you can stomach this kind of character and the odd atrocious bit of dialogue, it's a decent movie with some great performances and an interesting soundtrack.
Envy (2004)
Well, I liked it
I watched this just last night on TV. I'd never heard of it, which surprised me, considering the cast. Then I came on IMDb today and I can see why. However, while I don't think it's the greatest movie ever, it's not deserving of the one-star ratings some people gave it. Christopher Walken's performance is a bit lazy at times, but it just about works. The comedy is fairly black a lot of the time, but unfortunately not at the end. I felt it could have done with a darker ending, in which the characters actually finished up worse off than at the beginning. The happy ending was odd, and felt like it had been tacked on by an overzealous producer. Still, a good film nonetheless.
V for Vendetta (2005)
Another fine mess from the Wachowskis
All throughout this film felt like it was made cheaply and without much care. Despite that, it starts off fairly well, and has some good ideas. However, it is rather pretentious and the script strains under the effort of making everything fit into one central idea, which is flogged to its figurative death. It seems the Wachowski brothers are desperately trying to make a film with 'meaning', but are unable to do so.
In terms of the cast, Hugo Weaving is the highlight, as the titular V. Natalie Portman does a fine job of looking pretty, but her attempt at a British accent is very poor indeed.
The script is passable, but the direction doesn't even manage to do it justice. If the script was better, I could forgive the lazy direction; if the direction were more accomplished, I could forgive the pretentiousness of the dialogue and the cereal box philosophy.
An opportunity missed.
Arena (1989)
My brain lied to me
If I were to rate this film based on my memories of it when I was ten years old, it would be a straight nine out of ten. Unfortunately, I'm not going to do that, since I watched it again just last year (I'm 26 now). Anyway, it turns out this film is actually a badly acted, poorly produced and boring effort. The fights which impressed me so much as a child now reveal themselves for what they are - a funny looking blonde guy pretending to use martial arts on a man in a rubber suit (a technique recently revived for the atrocity that was Alien Vs Predator). The script is badly written, and does no credit to what is actually a pretty good premise for a sci-fi action movie. There are certainly some interesting ideas. Perhaps a remake should be considered?
Pi (1998)
Overrated, but worth a look anyway
Pi is one of those films that people talk about in university seminars and trendy wine bars. It's a film that often rewards viewers with a sense of smug self-satisfaction, because they 'get it'. Like David Lynch's weirdest, if you don't like it, then you don't understand it. The truth is that it's just a low-budget thriller, filmed in black and white. The script is pretty good and the direction is okay, although it does slip into the realms of pretentiousness a couple of times. Overall, it's a decent film, with some interesting ideas, but nothing particularly profound. Questioning the mathematics in the script is ridiculous, but it does at least reveal the movie for what it is - a piece of entertainment. However, some people seem to think if it's monochrome, it must be art.
Pootie Tang (2001)
It puts the 'poo' in Pootie Tang
Everyone loves a film which is so bad it's good. However, I have to say - somewhat predictably - this film is just plain bad. I usually like these kind of ridiculous comedies. For example Hollywood Shuffle and I'm Gonna Git You Sucka are both classics in my mind. However, like someone else said on this forum, Pootie Tang really only has one joke and it isn't funny. Throughout the film Pootie speaks in a nonsense language which is because he's too cool for words. Mmmmm... how very funny.
I think there was one thing that made me laugh, but to be honest I can't even remember what it was. This film was just a massive disappointment. Controversial as it may be to say this, Chris Rock is rubbish. He seems to have become a parody of himself. I used to think he was great but now I'd prefer to watch Chris Tucker and dare I say it, Martin Lawrence.
The Big Hit (1998)
Let us not forget the trace buster buster buster
Indeed Mark Wahlberg is a bit cack in most of his films, but The Big Hit is a masterpiece of comedy. The action is fun, but is not meant to be taken seriously. I think that some people might have watched this film expecting a standard action film, in which case I can understand their disappointment. It's just good fun and Lou Diamond Phillips is brilliant. His over-the-top performance is perfect and is something I'll never forget.
The Big Hit is one of those films where you either get it or you don't. If you don't then I can understand how it might seem a bit two-dimensional. However, anyone who hasn't seen it should take a chance.
The Matrix Reloaded (2003)
Only for sci-fi saddos who don't get out much
I completely shocked by all the positive remarks about this film. I watched it when it was first released and since then I still haven't seen the third installment. Frankly, this pile of shite put me off.
The acting is terrible (particularly Keanu), the effects look a bit silly and the script is pretentious rather than intelligent. For the record, the architect is awful, even if it does make sense. You could film me reading from the phone book for two hours and it would make sense, but it wouldn't be very entertaining would it? How many times does one man have to use the word 'ergo' in one sentence? It seems as if the architect scene is attempting to compensate for the lack of plot up to that point.
The fanboys say this film is intelligent, but so is A bout de Soufflé and it's still far more entertaining than the drivel that is Matrix Reloaded. Also, let's not be under the impression that this film was about anything other than making money. The numerous tie-ins and the huge budget are all the proof you need. So with this in mind, this film should have been about entertainment, not pseudo-philosophical twaddle. Then there's the sex scene, which is overdone and not very pleasant viewing really.
The Matrix Reloaded fails as a movie, but as a talking point for the sci-fi obsessed, it succeeds. It's like someone gave a couple of 14 year old Dungeons & Dragons nerds £100 million and told them to make a film. Like a private joke, those that are in on it think it's fantastic, while the rest of us are left wondering what all the fuss is about.
Be Cool (2005)
Where's Danny?
Get Shorty was great. The interplay between Gene Hackman and John Travolta was perfect. Sadly, Hackman does not make an appearance in this film. As a result,the focus is almost completely on Travolta's Chili Palmer. The problem with this is that the character is really that likable. In the first film he was a small fish in a big pond,whereas now he's a successful film producer. The naivety he had in the first film made him more human. The best things about this film are the Rock, Vince Vaugn, and to an extent Andre Benjamin. They are the funniest bits and the best acted. Meanwhile, Travolta, Uma Thurman and Harvey Keitel all contribute lazy performances. The first half hour of this film is utter rubbish, despite a cameo by James Woods. The film does get better though, mainly when Chili's prodigy, Linda Moon is not on screen. She may be pretty but her annoying brand of Mariah Carey-esque singing is frankly painful to sit through. Luckily, there's a good half hour when she doesn't appear. But despite all this, and the fact that Danny DeVito is only in it for about two minutes Be Cool deserves a six, mainly for the Rock's performance.
AVP: Alien vs. Predator (2004)
I'd rather watch my balls in a blender
I don't write reviews on IMDb very often. In fact I had completely forgotten that I even had a login name. Anyway, I felt compelled to write something regarding the awful pile of shite that is Alien Vs Predator. Although it was some time since I saw it, I feel it needs to be ridiculed again in light of the recent DVD release.
AVP is without doubt the worst film that I have ever watched (and I've seen Police Academy: Mission to Moscow). I didn't even bother watching the last five minutes because it was just so terrible.
I want to keep this brief but firstly I would like to make an appeal to all film studios the world over. Please please please stop giving W.S. Anderson work! He's clearly a talentless waste of space and his small but significantly crappy portfolio shows that.